May 26, 2021

How To Attract Your Ex Back

Relationships

This is Coach Lee and in this video I’m going to talk to you about how you can re-attract your ex. Click the “subscribe” button below so that you can be notified when I have more content that’s helpful to your situation and that includes relationship dynamics, attraction, mindfulness, getting your ex back, marriage, and relationships in general. So after a breakup, most people panic which is the wrong thing to do because the sense of urgency that you have when you panic will make you act as though you have to get your ex back right away. And most people are pretty surprised when I say that you have a lot of time to actually get your ex back and not just that you have time but that you need time in order to get your ex back, to re-attract your ex, and to actually change their heart so that this breakup doesn’t happen again. I’ll get into that more later most people put the cart before the horse, so to speak when they’re trying to get their ex back, thinking they have to show them something right away.

Like I have to show you that I’ve changed from whatever it was that caused the breakup and I’ve got to show you right now in order to get you back. But put yourself in the shoes of your ex. If there was an issue and it was an important issue and your ex had dealt with it a long time, they had had this flaw, they had either mistreated you, they had not been thoughtful of you, they had struggled with dependency on something be it alcohol, food, drugs or some other destructive addiction or habit or any number of other things and this was a struggle for them and you broke up with them and all of a sudden a day later, three days later they fixed it. “Oh yeah, no problem anymore, let’s get back together because I fixed this.” You would probably doubt it.https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=subtle asian traits Any kind of extreme change like that when we’re talking about something long-term, a quick change is usually suspect. Not just that, but you also would be more likely to think, “Well why didn’t you change this while we were together if it was that simple for you to change, that simple for you to improve or overcome?” So it wouldn’t make any sense.

It wouldn’t be believable you would doubt it and that would make you actually think of this person in a lesser light. They actually wouldn’t be as attractive if you were to go to your ex and say, “Okay, I fixed this,” if it was that quick, that fast it would seem artificial and it would also be unattractive because they would think that you were trying so hard that you did it this quickly and that you weren’t even true to yourself in terms of taking the time to grow and change and make a better person of yourself. They may not put it into those words or think of it that way, but that’s the feeling that would usually follow. They would think of you as being artificial, as living for them only, living to be whatever they wanted you to be, which is not attractive. You should live for yourself.

And you can live for another person as well, you could have a joint life together, joint goals, but if you seem artificial as though you’re just doing whatever they want so that you can get back together, that can be very unattractive, which is the last thing you need right now because breakups are caused by a drop in attraction. They may give you all kinds of reasons: “I need to work on myself. I’m not ready for a relationship right now.

It’s not you, it’s me.” Those are all just BS. I’m just being honest with you. You can just about insert anything there. They’re saying something to you, that they think you will not be able to argue with because they don’t want to argue about it.

They don’t want to have all the drama typically associated with breakups, they don’t want to see that they’ve hurt you tremendously, they don’t want to have to explain themselves, they don’t want you to make them feel guilty enough that they take you back, and then they have to break up with you again and so they’ll tell you something that’s just so vague and deep and spiritual sounding that you can’t even argue with it. I mean what do you say to someone who says, “I need to work on myself,” which is just such a common cop-out breakup that I hear people tell me they’ve been dumped that way there’s no counter to that. You can’t say anything to it. It’s so personalized and vague because really, if we’re being honest, they could “work on themselves” while being with you, so there’s no reason there.

It’s just some bunch of BS so that they can get the easiest breakup possible, which is what they want. The true cause, the route, the motivation to dump you is that attraction fell. Now it can fall because there were things going on. Any of those things that I mentioned earlier about being inconsiderate, about maybe things aren’t equal – they do things for you, they show desire towards you, they make you feel wanted, you don’t return it ,maybe it’s rudeness, poor hygiene, the need for a better haircut, even shallow things like that, over time can cause a little bit of a drop and you may say, “Well, I don’t want to be with somebody who could lose attraction for me that easily.” Well, usually it’s multiple things.

It’s a bunch of things that over time build up and compound and cause an emotional drop in attraction. You see it usually is not from a physical drop in attraction because usually that’s a temporary thing and if you have a relationship with this person it’s based more on emotional connection and companionship and a feeling of family. Physical attraction, while important – don’t discount it – it can fluctuate, just like they all can fluctuate, but it’s processed differently and usually the emotional connection is what keeps you in the relationship, but it can have effect on emotional attraction. That is physical attraction, especially if they feel like you’re not making an effort, you’re not even trying, you’re not doing what you need to do to be fit or to look your best or to be well-groomed or clean or well-dressed or whatever. Don’t blame me, I’m just a messenger.

Sometimes it can be shallow but over time it can affect them emotionally and it can certainly be deeper. It can be that there’s become routine to the relationship and they start to feel like you two weren’t quote “meant to be,” whatever that is in their mind that they thought, “This is what my relationship would be one day. This is my soulmate, this is what it will be like.” And it’s just not happening that way because the two of you have gotten into some sort of a rut or a groove, maybe it’s bickering or arguing, but over time things will be said that cause emotional injury. That can cause attraction to drop as well.

All the things, just about anything that you could name, will cause a drop in attraction, primarily emotional attraction. So whatever they tell you about needing to work on themselves, not being ready, this has to be right, we need to break up so that we can get back together – I’ve even heard that one – we need to break up so that the relationship will be stronger. If attraction was high enough, there’s no way that would happen except if they were literally being held by law away from you or if you’re young and your parents control your finances that you were literally financially cut off and had no way to even interact with this person. Sometimes I’ve even seen it be a religious thing where the parents controlled who this person could be with and they took it away.

This is Coach Lee and in this video I’m going to talk to you about how you can re-attract your ex. Click the “subscribe” button below so that you can be notified when I have more content that’s helpful to your situation and that includes relationship dynamics, attraction, mindfulness, getting your ex back, marriage, and relationships in general. So after a breakup, most people panic which is the wrong thing to do because the sense of urgency that you have when you panic will make you act as though you have to get your ex back right away. And most people are pretty surprised when I say that you have a lot of time to actually get your ex back and not just that you have time but that you need time in order to get your ex back, to re-attract your ex, and to actually change their heart so that this breakup doesn’t happen again. I’ll get into that more later most people put the cart before the horse, so to speak when they’re trying to get their ex back, thinking they have to show them something right away.

Like I have to show you that I’ve changed from whatever it was that caused the breakup and I’ve got to show you right now in order to get you back. But put yourself in the shoes of your ex. If there was an issue and it was an important issue and your ex had dealt with it a long time, they had had this flaw, they had either mistreated you, they had not been thoughtful of you, they had struggled with dependency on something be it alcohol, food, drugs or some other destructive addiction or habit or any number of other things and this was a struggle for them and you broke up with them and all of a sudden a day later, three days later they fixed it. “Oh yeah, no problem anymore, let’s get back together because I fixed this.” You would probably doubt it. Any kind of extreme change like that when we’re talking about something long-term, a quick change is usually suspect. Not just that, but you also would be more likely to think, “Well why didn’t you change this while we were together if it was that simple for you to change, that simple for you to improve or overcome?” So it wouldn’t make any sense.

It wouldn’t be believable you would doubt it and that would make you actually think of this person in a lesser light. They actually wouldn’t be as attractive if you were to go to your ex and say, “Okay, I fixed this,” if it was that quick, that fast it would seem artificial and it would also be unattractive because they would think that you were trying so hard that you did it this quickly and that you weren’t even true to yourself in terms of taking the time to grow and change and make a better person of yourself. They may not put it into those words or think of it that way, but that’s the feeling that would usually follow. They would think of you as being artificial, as living for them only, living to be whatever they wanted you to be, which is not attractive. You should live for yourself.

And you can live for another person as well, you could have a joint life together, joint goals, but if you seem artificial as though you’re just doing whatever they want so that you can get back together, that can be very unattractive, which is the last thing you need right now because breakups are caused by a drop in attraction. They may give you all kinds of reasons: “I need to work on myself. I’m not ready for a relationship right now.

It’s not you, it’s me.” Those are all just BS. I’m just being honest with you. You can just about insert anything there. They’re saying something to you, that they think you will not be able to argue with because they don’t want to argue about it.

They don’t want to have all the drama typically associated with breakups, they don’t want to see that they’ve hurt you tremendously, they don’t want to have to explain themselves, they don’t want you to make them feel guilty enough that they take you back, and then they have to break up with you again and so they’ll tell you something that’s just so vague and deep and spiritual sounding that you can’t even argue with it. I mean what do you say to someone who says, “I need to work on myself,” which is just such a common cop-out breakup that I hear people tell me they’ve been dumped that way there’s no counter to that. You can’t say anything to it. It’s so personalized and vague because really, if we’re being honest, they could “work on themselves” while being with you, so there’s no reason there.

It’s just some bunch of BS so that they can get the easiest breakup possible, which is what they want. The true cause, the route, the motivation to dump you is that attraction fell. Now it can fall because there were things going on. Any of those things that I mentioned earlier about being inconsiderate, about maybe things aren’t equal – they do things for you, they show desire towards you, they make you feel wanted, you don’t return it ,maybe it’s rudeness, poor hygiene, the need for a better haircut, even shallow things like that, over time can cause a little bit of a drop and you may say, “Well, I don’t want to be with somebody who could lose attraction for me that easily.” Well, usually it’s multiple things.

It’s a bunch of things that over time build up and compound and cause an emotional drop in attraction. You see it usually is not from a physical drop in attraction because usually that’s a temporary thing and if you have a relationship with this person it’s based more on emotional connection and companionship and a feeling of family. Physical attraction, while important – don’t discount it – it can fluctuate, just like they all can fluctuate, but it’s processed differently and usually the emotional connection is what keeps you in the relationship, but it can have effect on emotional attraction. That is physical attraction, especially if they feel like you’re not making an effort, you’re not even trying, you’re not doing what you need to do to be fit or to look your best or to be well-groomed or clean or well-dressed or whatever. Don’t blame me, I’m just a messenger.

Sometimes it can be shallow but over time it can affect them emotionally and it can certainly be deeper. It can be that there’s become routine to the relationship and they start to feel like you two weren’t quote “meant to be,” whatever that is in their mind that they thought, “This is what my relationship would be one day. This is my soulmate, this is what it will be like.” And it’s just not happening that way because the two of you have gotten into some sort of a rut or a groove, maybe it’s bickering or arguing, but over time things will be said that cause emotional injury. That can cause attraction to drop as well.

All the things, just about anything that you could name, will cause a drop in attraction, primarily emotional attraction. So whatever they tell you about needing to work on themselves, not being ready, this has to be right, we need to break up so that we can get back together – I’ve even heard that one – we need to break up so that the relationship will be stronger. If attraction was high enough, there’s no way that would happen except if they were literally being held by law away from you or if you’re young and your parents control your finances that you were literally financially cut off and had no way to even interact with this person. Sometimes I’ve even seen it be a religious thing where the parents controlled who this person could be with and they took it away.

If it’s not those things, then it’s based on a drop in attraction or they would be so attracted to you that they would be with you. It’s really that simple and you can make arguments about that and philosophy about that all you want, but 20 years in the relationship recovery service and I can tell you you were broken up with because attraction fell. So if you were to try to make some drastic change quickly it would not be trusted first of all, second of all, it would appear that you were changing yourself only for them and not making changes for the better for you – which you should do it for you. It’s okay to have them as a motivation as well, but primarily it should be for you.

And thirdly, your ex would not be ready. I have another video that’s called, “Why Your Ex Must Be Ready,” and it talks about something I’m going to share with you briefly here but first, click the “subscribe” button below if this content is making sense so that you can get updates when I have more content that’s helpful to attraction and relationship dynamics. So just click the “subscribe” button below. Now, I use the reference to a cake baking in the oven a lot when it comes to getting back together with your ex.

Relationships

And what I mean by that is, is that when I was a kid and mom would make cake, I could smell it pretty quickly – within a minute or two you can smell that beautiful sweetness that makes you think of holidays or birthdays and you want some of that cake. But here’s the thing – it’s not ready yet. It’s just pudding at that point and it’s kind of nasty. So my advice to my mom, that she did not take, was just turn the oven up as hot as it’ll go and that cake will be ready in a minute. It made sense to me because growing up, what most things in life amounted to was, if you work hard enough, fast enough, get enough people on it and get enough tools, you can get this thing done in a hurry.

I mean houses, it used to take a year or two to build, now we can do it in three months because we put enough people on the project, we have enough equipment, we work day and night and we get this thing done in a hurry. That’s not true when it comes to relationships or cake. Cake you will just burn the cake.

It’ll burn that quickly or part of it’ll be cooked, part of it won’t, the texture won’t be right – it will not be what you want it to be. It won’t be cake. And so if your ex has not had the time they need because if they broke up with you, their heart, their mind, the combination that makes them themselves – their soul, whatever you want to call it – is in a place that can’t be with you right now because emotional attraction has fallen. And so part of the equation to actually improve this is time.

It’s not just that these processes or processes take time, it’s that time is actually part of the recipe. Just like the cake, time and temperature are part of the recipe. If you don’t have those two right, it doesn’t matter that you have all the other ingredients right. Without the heat, it’s pudding.

Without the heat at the right temperature for a right amount of time, it’s a monster that you wouldn’t want to eat. And so even if this were something – whatever it is that you think, maybe your ex gave you some reasons even though like I said those are secondary they still need to be worked on, but they’re secondary – even if you could fix those things instantly, if there was a way that you could make yourself more physically attractive, more emotionally attractive, and more intellectually attractive in three days, tremendously more, the issue would be that there hasn’t been enough time for your ex’s heart to be ready to be responsive to it. And so you have to allow for that time. As a matter of fact, sometimes when people respond too quickly after a breakup – like a lot of times I will tell a client or someone will make a comment on my YouTube video, “I went into no contact, three days later they contacted me wanting to get back together.

Yay!” While that’s certainly good news, I usually kind of am cautious to just throw the celebration party yet because it can be more easily messed up at that point because this other person hasn’t had enough time on their own to learn your place in their life, to see that they hurt when they’re away from you and to not want it to happen again and to be wise so that if things ever do go south in a bad way in the future, that instead of leaving, they’ll want to work on it because they know they want to be with you because they experienced not being with you. That is crucial and I tell so many people – especially those who have the attitude that, well if they break up with me forget it, I don’t ever want to be with them because they wouldn’t have broken up with me if we were meant to be together, if they really loved me, if they were really attracted to me, if they really wanted to be with me, and so it’s just not gonna work out – that’s actually not true. A lot of the times, the best, strongest relationships come when there was a breakup because the two people have to actually learn and experience not having the other person and what that means, and that they want the other person in their lives forever because no matter how wonderful your relationship or your marriage, you will have days and times of doubt. When they come wouldn’t it be great to be able to say, “No, I’ve experienced being away from them and I don’t want that, I know what that’s like.” That doesn’t mean that you should wish for a breakup or break up with someone. Because that actually does add more moving parts, more risk, and potentially a long-term hurt that’s difficult to get over.

But I will not dismiss the clear evidence before me from 20 years in the relationship recovery service that shows me that relationships can be exceptionally strong when the two have learned that lesson and when there has been time away for them to see that they want the other person forever and they do not want being away from them. And you may say, “Well I wish they just knew that when they were with me without having to leave me and I get that but sometimes that’s how humans learn and sometimes it can be a beautiful thing because if they are able to go away and feel that they must come back, they’ve learned something tremendous and they are less likely to do it again because they know that the oven is hot – maybe because they’re baking a cake. So time is important. It’s part of the recipe. This is good because during this time, you can work on those things.

You see no contact and the time that you were in no contact starts to resurface and increase the attraction that’s needed for your ex to want to get back with you. I have a video called, “The Mind of Your Ex During No Contact,” and one called, “Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No Contact,” – very important videos it would be helpful for you to watch. I will link to it in the description below here on YouTube but basically, you going into no contact will have an attraction- increasing effect.

It will impact your ex in that way – that’s the goal, is to get attraction to go up. Now if it goes up enough, that’s the issue. Often it does and that’s when they reach out, but when they reach out, they usually are close to where they need to be – but not there yet.

And that’s where it’s key. So attraction has gone up because you’ve gone into “no contact.” Now the great thing to do here is that when you two get face-to-face because your ex contacts you, you two speak, the idea of getting coffee together, getting lunch, something casual comes up – sometimes the person can be very direct and just say, “I want to get back together with you, this is ridiculous, I’m so sorry.” All kinds of things like that. Play it slowly, say something like, “I’m open to having coffee, how about we have lunch?” Something casual. Don’t fully mirror what they’re saying yet because we want them to still feel like there’s some ground to make up. We don’t want to just give it to them all at once or else they kind of feel that maybe their concern that they were losing you was just for nothing.

And we also want to keep moving them towards you and the way to do that is to keep them chasing. And so though you don’t go away from them, you don’t rush to them either. And so you stay casual, you don’t get all excited and say, “This is all that I’ve ever wanted, thank you so much,” you don’t say anything like that. So when they do see you face to face, which is so important because I’ve seen couples where they just text and text for a few months even and it just slowly begins to fade away – you’ve got to make face-to-face a priority and you also need to do something to get past the hump and get your relationship back fully to quote “how it was before,” even though you don’t want that relationship again, but I’m just saying in terms of the status, which is not my favorite topic because sometimes people put too much emphasis on that but it is important, don’t just dismiss it as worthless or unimportant.

So when you get them face to face, if you can show them those changes then, because you’ve had enough time – what a lot of people are surprised to learn is that the 45-day mark is actually when the chemicals that are you produced by your brain associated with separation anxiety are actually at their highest. Now it’s not right on day 45 for everybody, somewhere around there, it can be day 38 it can be day 56 but somewhere around there is when the separation-anxiety chemicals – so that’s what’s produced by your brain that make you feel separation anxiety from this person for this person – that’s when they are the highest. So that’s why I will tell people somewhere between 45 days and 75 days are when your odds are the highest that your ex will contact you because it gets more difficult for them usually if you stay in no contact and you make them feel the silence and your absence and the fear of loss. That’s when the odds are highest you’ll hear from them.

Now between 45 and 75 days that’s a great amount of time for you to be able to make some serious changes to yourself that are improvements for you that are needed because sometimes they’re right maybe you do need to improve in this area. Look at it and determine if your ex is right. Usually there’s something to what they say and they’re actually telling you why attraction fell.

But you can’t just say, “Okay, I’ll fix it,” and attraction will come back quickly. That’s just not how it works. One example I’ll give is, what if you were at a party and someone who was very physically unattractive to your eye came up and started telling you that they would be the best girlfriend or the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. That they would do all these wonderful things for you, that they were a great conversationalist and all these things – well that may be great and well and good but that doesn’t mean that you instantly become attracted to them. Physical attraction at the start is very important and that’s not the example that I’m giving right now.

My point is simply that attraction cannot change on a snap. Usually it takes time. Physical attraction can happen right away but once attraction has fallen it takes time for it to be able to come back. Yet another reason for that time to be in place between you and your ex before you two meet up after the breakup and so you can make some physical changes in 45 to 75 days. You can lose weight, you can maybe groom yourself better, have better hygiene, update your look, you can also make some intellectual changes in 45 or 75 days – you can read a book, you could start learning an instrument, start a new hobby, become a better conversationalist – there’s all kinds of resources for that.

You can learn how to make more of an effort and show more concern for the other person, show more consideration, ask them how their day was going, those kinds of things. As far as learning how to be a better conversationalist but also showing interest in the other person so that they feel heard and cared about. So there’s all kinds of things that you can do and I obviously shouldn‘t overlook emotional health. You can do a lot for your emotional health in 45 or 75 days.

That’s not entirely what this video is about but you can start seeing a counselor, you can start seeing a minister, you can start working on your dependency on alcohol or drugs or video games or whatever it is so that when you two see each other, you are more attractive than you were and so then you have this great little package of you have stayed away from them, which has caused them to have the fear of loss, I go over these things in my video, “Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No Contact,” but your ex will see you as being strong because you’re able to stay away, they will experience the fear of loss, they will have already been way past the relief phase or stage, and they will see you then through the eyes of feeling more attracted than they were but now also they are seeing something that is more attractive to them emotionally, physically, and intellectually – as much as you can. We should always be working to improve ourselves. Yes, I know what a lot of you are thinking, you should be loved for who you are and I’m not suggesting otherwise. I’m talking about attraction because human relationships are complex. You need attraction, love, friendship commitment, a sense of family – a relationship can’t survive on just one thing but we all want to be attracted to this person who we’re with long-term, the rest of our lives, married to.

If most of us are being honest, we want the whole package. And so that’s what you need to do your best to provide because this other person who broke up with you, they still care about you, they still love you, it just probably isn’t the passionate, romantic type of love that they want for this type of relationship. And so that’s why they have chosen to end it and in order to get that back, you need attraction and it will be important, for as long as you want the relationship to last, attraction will always be important. And so don’t overlook it.

But the method then is no contact to raise attraction, improving yourself to raise attraction, and then seeing them face-to- face so it can all come together. You can get past the hump and get back into the relationship and that’s really the formula for be attracting your ex. And the areas of attraction, we have physical attraction, we have emotional attraction, and we have intellectual attraction.

That’s what attracts us to each other. Usually it starts with the eye test, you’re physically attracted to them first. That opens the door, “Could this person be worthy of my emotional attraction and intellectual attraction as well?” And so that first eye test, that physical attraction is what gets us to want to explore the others, that’s just kind of how it works. You start off in a more shallow water and you wade in deeper. Click the “subscribe” button below if this video has been helpful to you and give it a thumbs up if it’s been helpful to you.

My Emergency Breakup Kit is extremely powerful if you’ve been broken up with, it walks you through the process of getting your ex back. I’ve linked to that in the description below. It’s called the Emergency Breakup Kit and it’s the culmination of my 20 years in the relationship recovery service. Again hit the “subscribe” button below if this video has been helpful to you.

This has been Coach Lee and as always, thank you for watching.

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