April 8, 2021

If I Leave My Ex Alone, Will They Miss Me?

Relationships

This is Coach Lee and in this video I’m going to answer the question, “Will my ex miss me if I leave them alone?” Take a quick second and click the “subscribe” button below so that you can be notified when I have more content that’s helpful to relationships. That includes marriage, dating, breakups, relationship dynamics, and mindfulness. So hit that “subscribe” button below and let’s get going. Now a lot of times when I suggest someone use the no contact rule after a breakup, they will ask, “But how will they miss me?” And the person will say, “If I’m not contacting them, how can he miss me?” And in one case I remember the poor woman was crying and she said, “I don’t understand, I’ve texted him ‘good morning’ every morning, I’ve texted him ‘goodnight’ every night, I’ve texted him during the day and asked how his day was going and he still doesn’t want to get back together. As a matter of fact, she even asked him, “Do you miss me?” and he said “no,” which was extremely painful for her to hear.

And that’s because her understanding was backwards. In her mind, she had to interact with him more to get him to miss her and that’s just not correct. It’s painful and difficult to stay away, but if you are the one choosing to stay away, you have more control, which actually helps you out some and your ex, who has chosen the breakup, they feel control at the start, which is why you feel the loss.

The person in control does not feel as much loss, but if your ex expected you to reach out, that’s where the control shifts to you and the loss can shift to them and we can have that table turn that we need to get them back.https://www.aol.com/article/entertainment/2019/08/19/harry-potter-emma-watson-tom-felton-dating-rumors-instagram-pajamas-guitar/23797022/ But in terms of getting them to miss you, contacting them is actually the last thing you should do. If anything, you should remove yourself from the situation and that’s how your absence can be seen and felt.

There was a football game recently that I watched where a quarterback who is a very well known quarterback, an amazing player, he was injured, he could not play in the game. He was not there, he was not in the game, did not make an appearance, did not even put on his shoulder pads because he couldn’t play because of the injury. No one forgot about him. Trust me, after every pass the backup quarterback threw, the thought in my head was, “What if he was there?” What if this starting quarterback was there? Yes I used a sports analogy because I’m a guy, but it makes the point.

His absence was powerful. Had he been playing here and there in the game, it wouldn’t be quite the extreme case, wouldn’t be quite the punctuation mark. And when they ultimately lost the game, those questions came up, “What if he had been there?” And does this apply to breakups or what?

It really does because so many times, if your ex goes out somewhere with a group of friends to a place the two of you used to go to, at least the invitation is there for the question to go through their minds, “What if she had been there?” “What if she had been here with me?” “What if he had been here with me?” It’s fascinating how this can work, how deep this can go, and how often the triggers can come up that can get your ex to miss you. But the key, though it sounds so obvious that you tend to even doubt it, the key is to be absent. The key is to not be there and not be in contact with them so that they will miss you. They won’t notice those things are not happening. Their phone vibrates, often times it’s been you in recent history.

Your ex gets to the phone, it’s not you. Now you may think, “But they broke up with me, they don’t want to be with me, so what do they care if I don’t text them?” There’s a video I did recently called, “Does Your Ex Want You To Contact Them?” and I explain the ego stroke that happens when you reach out to an ex who’s dumped you because it keeps them on that high horse, it keeps them to where they feel they are above you, that they are the attractive one, that you were the one who was set aside and that you want them back. So they can get you back whenever they want to and so even though it was your ex who initiated the breakup, that doesn’t mean that they don’t need that ego stroke, and you think, “Well, I want them to want more than an ego stroke.” Yes, I’m certainly getting there, but the ego stroke is often what gets their attention first. It at least points them back towards you in the situation which that’s what you’re looking for.

You’re looking for another chance. You’re looking to have your foot in the door to at least be in the game so that your ex can reflect, reconsider, doubt their decision and that’s when things start trending your way. You see, when they pick up that phone and it’s not you, sure if they broke up with you and they believe very strongly that it was the right decision or that’s what they wanted, it’s not going to just crush them, it’s not going to send them into the depths of sorrow right away, but there’s a funny way that the brain works when it expects something and it doesn’t happen.

Even if, at the forefront of your mind, you don’t necessarily want this something at the moment, but you expect that it’s going to happen. When it does not happen, your brain actually processes it, to large degree, as disappointment. Part of that is that sense of control that we want. We want to be able to project what’s going to happen, we want to feel that control and so it sort of starts the avalanche of disappointment, of doubting their decision.

These subtle things just get them moving in the right direction and the beauty is, is that without you having to change your activity, the same action actually causes a compounding effect with this avalanche of negative feelings and consequences that your ex will experience from the breakup if you stay in no contact and your relationship was a good one in other words it wasn’t because there was horrible abuse or horrible fighting and your ex just wants to be away from you and really believes that you’re a bad person. That’s a different matter. But in the case of your ex just saying something like they need to work on themselves or that the spark is gone or they’re not sure they’re in love, those kinds of things, and that came as a shock to you because you two had been together for a while and the relationship was good, that’s when this can really be powerful. That’s when staying away from them is the most powerful course of action because you are absent and your absence is noted. Now here are some things that staying away from them shows your ex.

This is Coach Lee and in this video I’m going to answer the question, “Will my ex miss me if I leave them alone?” Take a quick second and click the “subscribe” button below so that you can be notified when I have more content that’s helpful to relationships. That includes marriage, dating, breakups, relationship dynamics, and mindfulness. So hit that “subscribe” button below and let’s get going. Now a lot of times when I suggest someone use the no contact rule after a breakup, they will ask, “But how will they miss me?” And the person will say, “If I’m not contacting them, how can he miss me?” And in one case I remember the poor woman was crying and she said, “I don’t understand, I’ve texted him ‘good morning’ every morning, I’ve texted him ‘goodnight’ every night, I’ve texted him during the day and asked how his day was going and he still doesn’t want to get back together. As a matter of fact, she even asked him, “Do you miss me?” and he said “no,” which was extremely painful for her to hear.

And that’s because her understanding was backwards. In her mind, she had to interact with him more to get him to miss her and that’s just not correct. It’s painful and difficult to stay away, but if you are the one choosing to stay away, you have more control, which actually helps you out some and your ex, who has chosen the breakup, they feel control at the start, which is why you feel the loss.

The person in control does not feel as much loss, but if your ex expected you to reach out, that’s where the control shifts to you and the loss can shift to them and we can have that table turn that we need to get them back. But in terms of getting them to miss you, contacting them is actually the last thing you should do. If anything, you should remove yourself from the situation and that’s how your absence can be seen and felt.

There was a football game recently that I watched where a quarterback who is a very well known quarterback, an amazing player, he was injured, he could not play in the game. He was not there, he was not in the game, did not make an appearance, did not even put on his shoulder pads because he couldn’t play because of the injury. No one forgot about him. Trust me, after every pass the backup quarterback threw, the thought in my head was, “What if he was there?” What if this starting quarterback was there? Yes I used a sports analogy because I’m a guy, but it makes the point.

His absence was powerful. Had he been playing here and there in the game, it wouldn’t be quite the extreme case, wouldn’t be quite the punctuation mark. And when they ultimately lost the game, those questions came up, “What if he had been there?” And does this apply to breakups or what?

It really does because so many times, if your ex goes out somewhere with a group of friends to a place the two of you used to go to, at least the invitation is there for the question to go through their minds, “What if she had been there?” “What if she had been here with me?” “What if he had been here with me?” It’s fascinating how this can work, how deep this can go, and how often the triggers can come up that can get your ex to miss you. But the key, though it sounds so obvious that you tend to even doubt it, the key is to be absent. The key is to not be there and not be in contact with them so that they will miss you. They won’t notice those things are not happening. Their phone vibrates, often times it’s been you in recent history.

Date

Your ex gets to the phone, it’s not you. Now you may think, “But they broke up with me, they don’t want to be with me, so what do they care if I don’t text them?” There’s a video I did recently called, “Does Your Ex Want You To Contact Them?” and I explain the ego stroke that happens when you reach out to an ex who’s dumped you because it keeps them on that high horse, it keeps them to where they feel they are above you, that they are the attractive one, that you were the one who was set aside and that you want them back. So they can get you back whenever they want to and so even though it was your ex who initiated the breakup, that doesn’t mean that they don’t need that ego stroke, and you think, “Well, I want them to want more than an ego stroke.” Yes, I’m certainly getting there, but the ego stroke is often what gets their attention first. It at least points them back towards you in the situation which that’s what you’re looking for.

You’re looking for another chance. You’re looking to have your foot in the door to at least be in the game so that your ex can reflect, reconsider, doubt their decision and that’s when things start trending your way. You see, when they pick up that phone and it’s not you, sure if they broke up with you and they believe very strongly that it was the right decision or that’s what they wanted, it’s not going to just crush them, it’s not going to send them into the depths of sorrow right away, but there’s a funny way that the brain works when it expects something and it doesn’t happen.

Even if, at the forefront of your mind, you don’t necessarily want this something at the moment, but you expect that it’s going to happen. When it does not happen, your brain actually processes it, to large degree, as disappointment. Part of that is that sense of control that we want. We want to be able to project what’s going to happen, we want to feel that control and so it sort of starts the avalanche of disappointment, of doubting their decision.

These subtle things just get them moving in the right direction and the beauty is, is that without you having to change your activity, the same action actually causes a compounding effect with this avalanche of negative feelings and consequences that your ex will experience from the breakup if you stay in no contact and your relationship was a good one in other words it wasn’t because there was horrible abuse or horrible fighting and your ex just wants to be away from you and really believes that you’re a bad person. That’s a different matter. But in the case of your ex just saying something like they need to work on themselves or that the spark is gone or they’re not sure they’re in love, those kinds of things, and that came as a shock to you because you two had been together for a while and the relationship was good, that’s when this can really be powerful. That’s when staying away from them is the most powerful course of action because you are absent and your absence is noted. Now here are some things that staying away from them shows your ex.

First of all, it shows them that you’re a good listener because your ex said, “I don’t know about this. I don’t think we should be together. I want to break up.” Whatever they said, it’s translated as “we are not together anymore,” and I know that’s difficult to hear, it sucks, it hurts. That’s why I’m here.

I’m trying to help and sometimes, I say things and it’s the truth and sometimes the truth hurts, but it can get you to that point where there’s something better and by “something better,” I mean with this person but I’m saying sometimes the truth hurts at first but it can help you long-term. So your ex has said, “I don’t want us to be together anymore.” I’m not referring to a situation where it’s beyond this person’s control and they love you and both of you want to be together and there’s something in life that’s preventing it from happening, something tangible, not just, “Oh, I need to work on myself,” which is usually just an excuse that they think you won’t argue with but if you show them that you’re a good listener – “I heard you, you don’t want to be with me, so I’m not going to force myself onto you.” That’s attractive. That’s the sign of a good person who’s socially in touch. It also shows that you’re a mature person, that just because you don’t get your way, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to try to force it, that you’re going to pitch a fit. If you’ve seen a child in a toy store and daddy says, “No, you can’t have that,” the child will pitch a fit a lot of times until finally the psychological torture is so much for this dad or this mom that they just say, “You know what, here,” and they buy it and the kid learns, “If I pitch a fit, daddy or mommy says yes.” That’s a terrible lesson for them to learn!

The lesson they need to learn is, if mom or dad says, “No,” they mean it and I need to get a job or get some money so I can buy this myself. That’s maturity, right? And that’s what you would be showing, you would be showing, “I understand, I understand that this is what you’re saying you want and I’m not going to pitch a fit. I’m not going to try to force you to do what I want you to do because I’m a mature person.” So on those days of doubt, and they will have them, they will at least have to come face-to-face with the fact that they have dumped a mature person, which is an attractive thing.

Nobody says, “I want to date an immature, selfish person,” and so that’s one more arrow in the quill, so to speak, that’s one more weapon in your arsenal, that’s one more factor that’s positive in your corner, that’s one more negative consequence for your ex. It will also show that you are strong, that you can be away from them, that you can exercise your will and determination in the situation. Because your ex knows it’s difficult for you. We don’t want them to think, “Oh no problem. You want to break up with me?

Well that’s no big deal, that’s easy.” We don’t want them to think that because that’s unattractive too because then they question everything that you two had together on those days of doubt. But if they know that you are being strong, true to yourself, respectful to them in the situation, even though it’s difficult, that shows strength and that’s attractive, again for those days of doubt when they wonder if they made the right decision breaking up with you, they have to come face-to-face with the idea – with the fact – that they are seeing play itself out, that you are strong, that you’re mature and you’re a good listener, and you appeared to do nothing. I have a video called, “If You Love Someone, Let Them Go?” and it’s got a question mark at the end because it’s asking the question, “Is that really what’s going on here?” It’s an interesting video. I will link to it in the description below. Take a look at it.

Also see my Emergency Breakup Kit. I’ll have a link to it in the description below. It’s powerful, it is a guide to help you get your ex back. It’s not just one video, it’s actually 15 or 18 depending on the time when you get the kit because I’ve added to it.

It’s exceptionally powerful and walks you through the process of getting your ex back. So take a look at it, it’s in the description below. Now what I’m describing, I understand is not easy. It’s actually difficult. I understand that you love this person.

I understand that it hurts and what I’m telling you is, most of you, the people who’ve spoken to me on the phone and they’ve told me, “I will do anything,” or they’re willing to do a lot at least, even if it were difficult. And some of those ancient fairy-tale movies, people, when they had a wish, a deep want, some magical wizard or fairy or whoever would tell them, “If you go to the middle of the forest and you bring me back the Golden Spear of whatever, then I’ll grant you your wish, and they would have to do this difficult thing. They would have to make this journey where they risked their lives and they experienced trauma and perseverance was required to do this and they did it because what they wanted was so important to them. Well, here’s what I’m telling you, here’s the difficult thing.

You don’t turn away from it because it’s too difficult. If it’s going to get you what you want, which is back with your ex, then I assume you’re willing to do it. And here it is: It’s difficult to stay away from this person, to leave them alone, because you love them. You want to hug them, you want to hear their voice, you want to look into their beautiful eyes. And what I’m telling you is, is that this is the way to do that.

Trying to force it, trying to interact with them, not using the no contact rule, is how you’ll never get to look into those beautiful eyes again. How you’ll never get to feel their arms around you, how you’ll never get to hear that voice, how you’ll never get to hold their hand. Those things are deceptive. They seem like they would work, but they are a mirage in the desert. Leaving them alone, though it’s difficult on you, it’s going to be difficult on them as well.

None of this is 100%. I wish it was, but I’m telling you, in two decades of doing this, this is what works the most. This is what gives you the best chance and this is usually, at least what I’ve described in this video, how your ex will respond. Click the “SUBSCRIBE” button below if this video has been helpful to you, also click the link below to my Emergency Breakup Kit. Get it and get your ex back – at least to get the best chance because you owe it to yourself to at least have the best chance possible based on the data that I have from two decades in the relationship-recovery service.

So please click the “SUBSCRIBE” button below. This has been Coach Lee and as always, thank you for watching.

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