March 26, 2021

My boyfriend was unfaithful! What do I do? Website/YouTube Wednesday!!

Relationships

Hey everybody, it’s Wednesday. And you know what that means, that means that I’m on youtube, and I’m on my website. And the website if you haven’t checked it out is katimorton.com and you want to get on there, because my self harm workbook is coming out.

And it would have already come out, but god damn that website. I’ve been fighting with it. Because I can’t quite get it to work so that the workbook’s on there and you can download it easily, and it’s not all glitchy and weird. So bear with me. I know that you’re waiting, and I’m trying really hard.

I promise. Okay, now this is the second time doing this video, because the first time it was like 14 minutes long. And I was like, hasuse crestos, I cannot put that out. So I’m going to speed this up.

Let’s get this information out. I have four questions and I have a joke at the end, instead of anything else. Because I think, and a quote actually, so I’m going to try to get through this quickly. Okay. Question number one: ‘Here’s my question, realising that the best way to see a’ ‘therapist is in person, if for some reason you can’t how do you feel about participating in therapy via skype’ ‘or some other similar online services?

I know one therapist who does this, are you aware of others? How might one find a therapist who does this?’ So, I personally have given this a lot of thought since I have created this community and everybody’s been asking, you know, what’s your license are you going to do this and blah blah blah. And to be truthful, there’s a lot that we miss just doing this kind of talking.https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/g33759654/best-lgbtq-dating-apps-sites/ Because I’m missing like ninety percent of my body, if I’m fidgeting, if I’m moving, and I’m uncomfortable in my chair, we can miss a lot of that. And a lot of the subtleties that are created when you meet someone face to face.

So I personally will not do it for the whole relationship with my clients. However I do do it with my clients who have gone to college, because I have already been seeing them for years and I’ll see them when they get back, or in the interrum that holds them over, or if they need an emergancy session or something like that. I’m more than happy to oblige and do a skype session with them that way. There are many online services, I would google it. I would look it up, and they let you pay throught credit card.

Using that serivce, they put you in contact with the therapist. You have sceduled times, all online, reminders, the whole gamut. And they are wonderful.

If that works for you, and that works for that therapist. Then that is perfect. The only thing that I would caution you. Is before you sign up, before you pay anything, check the therapist they select for you, check make sure they have a license, make sure they don’t have any things on their record, no complaints, or their license wasn’t held for a certain amount of time.

And they weren’t without a license, or whatever. Because I don’t want anybody getting swindled. And it’s an easy thing to check. You can check in California, it’s bbs.ca.gov and you can look up a therapist, like you can find out that I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Intern. And it’s something that you have the right to as a consumer to make sure that the person that you are seeing is licensed and a real professional.

Okay. Question number two: ‘Is it possible to ever have a relationship with a family’ ‘member who has sexually abused you in the past?’ A lot of, and the second part is: ‘I have repressed memories, but now I have very intrusive’ ‘thoughts and flashbacks. I recently told my therapist about them, but if she mentions it at all I shut down because I’ ‘feel like I am betraying my family.’ So the first portion, is it possible to have a relationship with a family member. Yes, it definately is.

I have some clients who have successfully healed and they feel fine about it. To be honest though, a majority of my clients are like ‘No, I’d rather gouge their eyeballs out with like a spoon or something,’ ‘because I hate them so much. Because of what they have done to me.’ It’s all about your process. Make sure you’ve taken time to heal. You’ve taken time to feel recovered.

And feel safe in yourself and it’s a choice that you make to have a relationship with them. I want it to be on your terms, not their terms. So that’s the first caveat with that.

As far as feeling like you are betraying your family, that’s very common. Often times families hold these secrets and it’s something that makes us feel like this is the only way that our family can survive because if this gets out then the family’s going to break up and so and so won’t talk to so and so. But, the truth is, the secret that they’re holding, is your secret to hold.

It’s not theirs, this happened to you. This hurt you. This is something that you have to deal with. And I would encourage you to do what’s best for you. Now, it will take time.

And I know that it’s hard when we feel like we are betraying our family, but as you talk about it more, that guilt feeling that you have will slowly go away. And take it at your own pace, if you start to shut down, let your therapist know when you go in next time, ‘Hey, when we talk about things sometimes I shut down, I’m’ ‘working on it.’ And you can work together on ways to get through it, and push through it. Okay. Question number three: ‘You seem to have been talking about disassociation being’ ‘positive in your previous videos, ie, being the girl with the French bulldog’ Yes I did. ‘But what happens when the disassociations are negative or scary? One of my most common disassociations is to’ ‘see my abuser choking strangling or otherwise harming people that I care about, like my pastor, my therapist, etc.’ ‘Any idea why negative or scary disassociations occur or is it just part of the spectorum?

What can I do to challenge them?’ Now, yes I did paint disassociations as positive thing. But they aren’t always positive. It’s just a way for our brain to remove us from a stressful or a traumatic situation and give us either nothing to think about, or if we are doing maladaptive daydreaming it’s something else to think about.

Now, maladaptive daydreaming is more positive, that’s where we create a whole nother world where we can kind of daydream and live in. People who have other alters, if you actually have the higher end of the spectorum, if you have DID and you have other alters, other personalities, that will be a totally different thing from this. That’s on that end of the spectorum.

What you’re talking about is having disassociations that are more negative and often times it’s difficult for us to distinguish what’s a flash back and what’s a disassociation, because flash backs can bring us back to that time and they can feel like we are disassociating, but it’s almost like we are reliving our trauma but there is someone else in place of us. And that can happen. And that’s more of a flash back. I would start to notice, first of all I would talk with your therapist about it.

But the best thing to do is usually to notice what happens before, if you have any way to note that feeling, like the flash back or the disassociation is coming. Often times I find in my clients when we start talking about this and I start trying to take them back before it happened, they’ll talk about these intrusive thoughts or that they’ll start, have something that reminds them of it and they’ll go back from that piece of whatever that was, or that smell. And they’ll go boom boom boom boom, and they’ll go into it. Like, okay, then that happened, that happened, and then I remember when this was happening and I was really scared, and then boop and they were gone.

And so, I would start to notice things that are triggering. I notice the thoughts that come in. And thought blocking doesn’t work with this.

You can’t just like ‘Eh, I don’t want to think about that’ I want you to work with your therapist through it so that you notice the triggers, so that you are better prepared to talk yourself out of it. Because we have to acknowledge the thought and then we have to talk ourselves out of it. So I would talk with your therapist, that’s the best way to challenge them. Is say, having a mantra, a lot of my client’s things that work is saying ‘That person’s not here right now.’ ‘He can’t hurt me.’ ‘He’s not even around.’ or ‘He’s in jail’, or ‘I’m a thousand miles away from them.’ ‘They don’t live here any more.’ Or whatever it is. ‘They’re not around. They can’t hurt me.

They’re not around. They can’t hurt me.’ Whatever you can say to help bring yourself back. Okay.

I hope that helps a little bit. And if any of you have any tips and tricks of things that keep you from disassociating or going into a flash back, let us know. Let’s help one another right. Okay. Question number four.

And I’m trying to cruise along here before this gets rediculously long. ‘My boyfriend was unfaithful to me and wants us to go to couples counselling. I feel he should go to his own therapy’ ‘first since I was the faithful one. What are your thoughts? Individual therapy before couples therapy? Also should’ ‘I end our relationship when there’s still so much friendship there?’ Great question.

And I get a lot of questions about relationships. Now, as far as individual therapy couples, you should have both. You should each have your individual therapist, and then have couples. Because you each need time to work out your stuff about this. Because he’s probably apologised and he hasn’t done it since and he feels that he keeps getting blamed for it.

And he needs a place to vent about that. And then you are feeling really betrayed and really hurt and you’re like but he, you want him to undo it, and he can’t. So you need time to process that.

And then you take both of your issues that you’re struggling with and you talk about how they affect your relationship. Because that takes time right. So I would encourage you to do that, because yes he was the unfaithful one, and yes I know what you’re talking about like him, does he need therapy or should we go there together. But you both should. And you both should go there together.

Okay. As far as whether we break up or not, this is a personal, you need to take time. This is a personal thing. I can say personally I’ve been cheated on, and I couldn’t get over it.

And I broke up with that asshole. And I kick them to the curb. No I’m just joking. But it was really hard.

And what I learnt about myself was that’s not something that I can tolerate. I can’t get past that. I can’t let it go.

Because, I’ll never trust them again. And it will always be there, just nagging, nagging. But some people can.

Hey everybody, it’s Wednesday. And you know what that means, that means that I’m on youtube, and I’m on my website. And the website if you haven’t checked it out is katimorton.com and you want to get on there, because my self harm workbook is coming out.

And it would have already come out, but god damn that website. I’ve been fighting with it. Because I can’t quite get it to work so that the workbook’s on there and you can download it easily, and it’s not all glitchy and weird. So bear with me. I know that you’re waiting, and I’m trying really hard.

I promise. Okay, now this is the second time doing this video, because the first time it was like 14 minutes long. And I was like, hasuse crestos, I cannot put that out. So I’m going to speed this up.

Let’s get this information out. I have four questions and I have a joke at the end, instead of anything else. Because I think, and a quote actually, so I’m going to try to get through this quickly. Okay. Question number one: ‘Here’s my question, realising that the best way to see a’ ‘therapist is in person, if for some reason you can’t how do you feel about participating in therapy via skype’ ‘or some other similar online services?

I know one therapist who does this, are you aware of others? How might one find a therapist who does this?’ So, I personally have given this a lot of thought since I have created this community and everybody’s been asking, you know, what’s your license are you going to do this and blah blah blah. And to be truthful, there’s a lot that we miss just doing this kind of talking. Because I’m missing like ninety percent of my body, if I’m fidgeting, if I’m moving, and I’m uncomfortable in my chair, we can miss a lot of that. And a lot of the subtleties that are created when you meet someone face to face.

So I personally will not do it for the whole relationship with my clients. However I do do it with my clients who have gone to college, because I have already been seeing them for years and I’ll see them when they get back, or in the interrum that holds them over, or if they need an emergancy session or something like that. I’m more than happy to oblige and do a skype session with them that way. There are many online services, I would google it. I would look it up, and they let you pay throught credit card.

Using that serivce, they put you in contact with the therapist. You have sceduled times, all online, reminders, the whole gamut. And they are wonderful.

If that works for you, and that works for that therapist. Then that is perfect. The only thing that I would caution you. Is before you sign up, before you pay anything, check the therapist they select for you, check make sure they have a license, make sure they don’t have any things on their record, no complaints, or their license wasn’t held for a certain amount of time.

And they weren’t without a license, or whatever. Because I don’t want anybody getting swindled. And it’s an easy thing to check. You can check in California, it’s bbs.ca.gov and you can look up a therapist, like you can find out that I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Intern. And it’s something that you have the right to as a consumer to make sure that the person that you are seeing is licensed and a real professional.

Okay. Question number two: ‘Is it possible to ever have a relationship with a family’ ‘member who has sexually abused you in the past?’ A lot of, and the second part is: ‘I have repressed memories, but now I have very intrusive’ ‘thoughts and flashbacks. I recently told my therapist about them, but if she mentions it at all I shut down because I’ ‘feel like I am betraying my family.’ So the first portion, is it possible to have a relationship with a family member. Yes, it definately is.

I have some clients who have successfully healed and they feel fine about it. To be honest though, a majority of my clients are like ‘No, I’d rather gouge their eyeballs out with like a spoon or something,’ ‘because I hate them so much. Because of what they have done to me.’ It’s all about your process. Make sure you’ve taken time to heal. You’ve taken time to feel recovered.

And feel safe in yourself and it’s a choice that you make to have a relationship with them. I want it to be on your terms, not their terms. So that’s the first caveat with that.

As far as feeling like you are betraying your family, that’s very common. Often times families hold these secrets and it’s something that makes us feel like this is the only way that our family can survive because if this gets out then the family’s going to break up and so and so won’t talk to so and so. But, the truth is, the secret that they’re holding, is your secret to hold.

It’s not theirs, this happened to you. This hurt you. This is something that you have to deal with. And I would encourage you to do what’s best for you. Now, it will take time.

And I know that it’s hard when we feel like we are betraying our family, but as you talk about it more, that guilt feeling that you have will slowly go away. And take it at your own pace, if you start to shut down, let your therapist know when you go in next time, ‘Hey, when we talk about things sometimes I shut down, I’m’ ‘working on it.’ And you can work together on ways to get through it, and push through it. Okay. Question number three: ‘You seem to have been talking about disassociation being’ ‘positive in your previous videos, ie, being the girl with the French bulldog’ Yes I did. ‘But what happens when the disassociations are negative or scary? One of my most common disassociations is to’ ‘see my abuser choking strangling or otherwise harming people that I care about, like my pastor, my therapist, etc.’ ‘Any idea why negative or scary disassociations occur or is it just part of the spectorum?

What can I do to challenge them?’ Now, yes I did paint disassociations as positive thing. But they aren’t always positive. It’s just a way for our brain to remove us from a stressful or a traumatic situation and give us either nothing to think about, or if we are doing maladaptive daydreaming it’s something else to think about.

Now, maladaptive daydreaming is more positive, that’s where we create a whole nother world where we can kind of daydream and live in. People who have other alters, if you actually have the higher end of the spectorum, if you have DID and you have other alters, other personalities, that will be a totally different thing from this. That’s on that end of the spectorum.

What you’re talking about is having disassociations that are more negative and often times it’s difficult for us to distinguish what’s a flash back and what’s a disassociation, because flash backs can bring us back to that time and they can feel like we are disassociating, but it’s almost like we are reliving our trauma but there is someone else in place of us. And that can happen. And that’s more of a flash back. I would start to notice, first of all I would talk with your therapist about it.

But the best thing to do is usually to notice what happens before, if you have any way to note that feeling, like the flash back or the disassociation is coming. Often times I find in my clients when we start talking about this and I start trying to take them back before it happened, they’ll talk about these intrusive thoughts or that they’ll start, have something that reminds them of it and they’ll go back from that piece of whatever that was, or that smell. And they’ll go boom boom boom boom, and they’ll go into it. Like, okay, then that happened, that happened, and then I remember when this was happening and I was really scared, and then boop and they were gone.

And so, I would start to notice things that are triggering. I notice the thoughts that come in. And thought blocking doesn’t work with this.

You can’t just like ‘Eh, I don’t want to think about that’ I want you to work with your therapist through it so that you notice the triggers, so that you are better prepared to talk yourself out of it. Because we have to acknowledge the thought and then we have to talk ourselves out of it. So I would talk with your therapist, that’s the best way to challenge them. Is say, having a mantra, a lot of my client’s things that work is saying ‘That person’s not here right now.’ ‘He can’t hurt me.’ ‘He’s not even around.’ or ‘He’s in jail’, or ‘I’m a thousand miles away from them.’ ‘They don’t live here any more.’ Or whatever it is. ‘They’re not around. They can’t hurt me.

They’re not around. They can’t hurt me.’ Whatever you can say to help bring yourself back. Okay.

I hope that helps a little bit. And if any of you have any tips and tricks of things that keep you from disassociating or going into a flash back, let us know. Let’s help one another right. Okay. Question number four.

And I’m trying to cruise along here before this gets rediculously long. ‘My boyfriend was unfaithful to me and wants us to go to couples counselling. I feel he should go to his own therapy’ ‘first since I was the faithful one. What are your thoughts? Individual therapy before couples therapy? Also should’ ‘I end our relationship when there’s still so much friendship there?’ Great question.

And I get a lot of questions about relationships. Now, as far as individual therapy couples, you should have both. You should each have your individual therapist, and then have couples. Because you each need time to work out your stuff about this. Because he’s probably apologised and he hasn’t done it since and he feels that he keeps getting blamed for it.

And he needs a place to vent about that. And then you are feeling really betrayed and really hurt and you’re like but he, you want him to undo it, and he can’t. So you need time to process that.

And then you take both of your issues that you’re struggling with and you talk about how they affect your relationship. Because that takes time right. So I would encourage you to do that, because yes he was the unfaithful one, and yes I know what you’re talking about like him, does he need therapy or should we go there together. But you both should. And you both should go there together.

Okay. As far as whether we break up or not, this is a personal, you need to take time. This is a personal thing. I can say personally I’ve been cheated on, and I couldn’t get over it.

And I broke up with that asshole. And I kick them to the curb. No I’m just joking. But it was really hard.

And what I learnt about myself was that’s not something that I can tolerate. I can’t get past that. I can’t let it go.

Because, I’ll never trust them again. And it will always be there, just nagging, nagging. But some people can.

I’ve had clients who, their husbands or their wives have been unfaithful, many times. And they’re able to heal it and work on it, and they still come into therapy obviously, and they have their little gripes and it’s like any relationship. But they are able to move past it. So it’s something that you need to take time for yourself to sit down and think, ‘Can I move past it, is it okay for me, or am I’ ‘always going to bring it up and every time we fight I am going to go from like zero to sixty about it and be like well you’re a lying cheating asshole.’ Because that’s something that you can’t do either, that’s not fair to him. So, you have to figure out what’s best for you, and what’s best for your relationship.

If you can’t get over it, then I think you probably should leave. But if you can then I would go to counselling and I would work on it and heal that wound and I would move forward. Okay.

I know that’s a lot. But I’m trying to make this short because last time it was really long. Okay, now. I’m going to skip the joke and I’m going to go for the quote.

Haha, that rhymes. ‘Food is not your friend, and it’s not your enemy. It’s just fuel, remember that.’ And one of my followers shared that, so thank you so much. I want you to think about it. Write it down. And if eating disorders aren’t your thing, if you’re not struggling with that, then how have you fuelled yourself today?

What is it that fuels you? And how can you do more of it? Okay.

I love you all. I will see you tomorrow, I will be on twitter, so ask your questions. And I’m going to Mammoth this weekend, so facebook Friday will be shot from Mammoth. I love you all. See you then.

Bye! Subtitles by the Amara.org community

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *