August 14, 2020

Resentment, Relationships Without Sex, Missing Sex with Exes | Dear Shadeen: Episode 4 | I Weigh

Relationships

“Dear Shadeen, I’m currently feeling resentment towards my boyfriend” “and working, studying full time in the process of getting a mortgage,” “and I feel like I’m doing so much and I feel like he doesn’t do as much.” “But I know he works really hard. I just can’t help feeling bitter.” “I think it comes from my upbringing. My dad was like this to my mum, even though she worked full time and did all the housework.” “How do I put it to the back of my mind to get back to loving him the way that I want?” You don’t. You don’t. Right that there is something that you want that isn’t happening and you’re already overcompensating, which is leading to the resentment and the challenge with resentment is not that, oh, you’re doing something wrong.

Resentment really arises out of us not advocating for our own needs and desires. Right. That we don’t start feeling resentment until we let something that isn’t okay go on for too long. And so if she were to continue that, then this will continue and the resentment will grow.

And we don’t really get to walk our relationship back. And so we have to find a way forward into loving again. And that will really take a renegotiation around the distribution of labor or effort in their relationship, because even if she knows on some level that he’s working really hard, it still doesn’t feel like it’s equitable or balanced for her.

And so they actually need to talk about that and look at that and see where she might need more help or where she might like him to take on more or maybe some things that she’s doing that she doesn’t need to do.https://affair.dating/search She can delegate, she can take off of her plate altogether. But it does need to be a conversation. The longer that she keeps it to herself, the worse it’s going to get.

Who are you? Where did you come from? Jesus fucking- Clinical training Christ. Yeah, but like no.

Canada is the real answer. “Dear Shadeen, how do I and my partner become more comfortable with the idea of simply not wanting to have sex?” “It feels like there’s so much cultural pressure to have sex, but often I just don’t feel like it. Please help.” There is so much pressure. There’s so much pressure to do everything.

And most people aren’t living up to whatever standards they’re setting for you. And so it, what sounds like it’s really great is that these two people are in agreement around not really wanting sex, which is a really great place to start. And so being able to really create their own sort of story or culture or expectations around what happens in our relationship.

And they really could really just tell everyone to fuck off. Truthfully, if they would like to be nicer about it, you know, we can grin and smile and nod. But also, it might be really important to start to curate the messages that you get.

Right. So joining more communities where folks think and feel more similarly to you, where folks aren’t putting sex on a relational pedestal for how many times you’re supposed to be having it or how much you’re supposed to want it, but really surrounding themselves with people and messages that really affirm that we get to choose what feels good and right. And so if however much or little I’m having sex now works for me, then that’s great. So weird, this like cultural policing as to like the judgment of how much you must love each other based on how much sex you have.

And it creates so much shame and Which is not sexy. Shame is the least sexy feeling we can have followed by stress, right? Hunger is not one that you need during sex.

Loneliness doesn’t make for great sex. Depression can make sex really difficult. And some people do like shame.

Some people within maybe the more fetish. I would, I would argue, it’s humiliation. Right. Shame drops us into a place where we don’t feel deserving.

We don’t feel worthy of the connections that we’re in. Right. Whereas humiliation.

Right. Might be closer to something like embarrassment, like, oh, look at me I’m whatever. Right. That’s my. As you can tell, I don’t get embarrassed very often.

“Dear Shadeen, I’m currently feeling resentment towards my boyfriend” “and working, studying full time in the process of getting a mortgage,” “and I feel like I’m doing so much and I feel like he doesn’t do as much.” “But I know he works really hard. I just can’t help feeling bitter.” “I think it comes from my upbringing. My dad was like this to my mum, even though she worked full time and did all the housework.” “How do I put it to the back of my mind to get back to loving him the way that I want?” You don’t. You don’t. Right that there is something that you want that isn’t happening and you’re already overcompensating, which is leading to the resentment and the challenge with resentment is not that, oh, you’re doing something wrong.

Resentment really arises out of us not advocating for our own needs and desires. Right. That we don’t start feeling resentment until we let something that isn’t okay go on for too long. And so if she were to continue that, then this will continue and the resentment will grow.

And we don’t really get to walk our relationship back. And so we have to find a way forward into loving again. And that will really take a renegotiation around the distribution of labor or effort in their relationship, because even if she knows on some level that he’s working really hard, it still doesn’t feel like it’s equitable or balanced for her.

Relationships

And so they actually need to talk about that and look at that and see where she might need more help or where she might like him to take on more or maybe some things that she’s doing that she doesn’t need to do. She can delegate, she can take off of her plate altogether. But it does need to be a conversation. The longer that she keeps it to herself, the worse it’s going to get.

Who are you? Where did you come from? Jesus fucking- Clinical training Christ. Yeah, but like no.

Canada is the real answer. “Dear Shadeen, how do I and my partner become more comfortable with the idea of simply not wanting to have sex?” “It feels like there’s so much cultural pressure to have sex, but often I just don’t feel like it. Please help.” There is so much pressure. There’s so much pressure to do everything.

And most people aren’t living up to whatever standards they’re setting for you. And so it, what sounds like it’s really great is that these two people are in agreement around not really wanting sex, which is a really great place to start. And so being able to really create their own sort of story or culture or expectations around what happens in our relationship.

And they really could really just tell everyone to fuck off. Truthfully, if they would like to be nicer about it, you know, we can grin and smile and nod. But also, it might be really important to start to curate the messages that you get.

Right. So joining more communities where folks think and feel more similarly to you, where folks aren’t putting sex on a relational pedestal for how many times you’re supposed to be having it or how much you’re supposed to want it, but really surrounding themselves with people and messages that really affirm that we get to choose what feels good and right. And so if however much or little I’m having sex now works for me, then that’s great. So weird, this like cultural policing as to like the judgment of how much you must love each other based on how much sex you have.

And it creates so much shame and Which is not sexy. Shame is the least sexy feeling we can have followed by stress, right? Hunger is not one that you need during sex.

Loneliness doesn’t make for great sex. Depression can make sex really difficult. And some people do like shame.

Some people within maybe the more fetish. I would, I would argue, it’s humiliation. Right. Shame drops us into a place where we don’t feel deserving.

We don’t feel worthy of the connections that we’re in. Right. Whereas humiliation.

Right. Might be closer to something like embarrassment, like, oh, look at me I’m whatever. Right. That’s my. As you can tell, I don’t get embarrassed very often.

No no no. So like I can’t pretend it very well. No, I think that’s great. Oh look at me. “Dear Shadeen, I’ve been with my husband for eight years, but I still miss the sex I used to have with my ex-boyfriend,” “I haven’t seen him for nine years, but I still think about him.” “I was with my ex for five years and he was my high school boyfriend.” “I love my husband but don’t enjoy sex with him.” Part of the fantasy of this ex person might be because they are not enjoying the sex they’re having now.

And so what was so enjoyable about sex with their ex? What was happening then? What were they doing? What was it about the ex?

Right. Maybe it was physical features. Maybe it was context of their relationship. Maybe just chemistry.

Right. That there’s so many pieces of it that can really influence, right, sort of why we might sort of cast something in bronze and be like that was great sex. And maybe that was just like purely just like great sex as is. And your current partner isn’t the same in one way or another. But how are you talking about how you can improve the sex between you and your partner?

Or have you sort of resigned to that was better than this? And this isn’t as good, because when we have that when we have these stories around, you know, that was great and this isn’t good that we stop trying. Yeah.

And we stop looking for the things that work and we stop pursuing the conversations and the work that it might take to increase our chemistry. I think people think that, like things like chemistry and compatibility are just like as is right. Either you have chemistry or you don’t. Right. Anyone who’s taken a science class like you can create reactions.

There are things that you can do titrations and alterations you can make to create a reaction. But you have to be willing to experiment and test it. Especially if you’ve been with your husband for eight years there’s time to have that conversation.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *